I feel really guilty.
So as many of you guys should already know, my mom broke her foot the other day (about a week or so ago) and it's been really hard on the family. My dad is stressed out because he's driving her everywhere as well as me everywhere (usually) as well as himself everywhere and then he gets home, does all of these chores and stuff and makes dinner for all of us and gets her whatever she needs and helps her with everything as well as he's on call all the time for his job (seriously, he got called out yesterday morning. SATURDAY!!!) because he's a microscopist (he fixes all of the microscopes) but the people he works with are always breaking it and they don't really like him (they tried to fire him but we fought back and they had to rehire him.) So he's really stressed out and I'm really stressed out because of school, jobs, friends, and just life in general. I have anxiety, depression, and stress so I'm having trouble dealing with those (my case isn't severe enough for medication but it's just bad enough to make me feel really bad all he time.) Also, I take care of her as well. When my dad is out, that pushes me to the prime caretaker and she really has terrible timing when she wants something. If she's hungry, then it's when I'm working on something or right in the middle of playing back an edited part to try and hear it to see it it's good. I'm usually always in the office too so she's calling from another room all the way across the house trying to get my attention. Yesterday, when I was leaving to go to the parade thing, she had me trying to get her all of these things right before I left. I'm darting around the house like "Mum, I'm already fairly late I have to leave RIGHT NOW." but she's like "Just get me my phone." "Just get me some crackers." What she usually asks for is food and they're fairly simple things but they're usually things I didn't think they had! She'd ask for some almond bar or something and I'm like "Okay, where's that?" And if I refuse to get her something she gets mad at me. She's a little over wight and takes her wight very self-conciously and so when I tell her I'm not going to get her some bit of food when I had just gotten up a little while earlier to get her something, she responds with "You're my son. It's not your job to tell me what to eat."
Anyways, I don't know why I get so annoyed every time she asks me to help, I just do. I get that way when anyone asks me to do anything. If it's a chore or something like "go clean the bathroom" it's like "What, because I wasn't doing anything important? Why don't you go clean the bathroom?" I know that she can't do anything right now because she can't walk, but it doesn't stop me from getting pissed off.
So last night, she blew up at my dad and I. It started off with him doing the normal "I don't want to socialize right now, thank you." and turning to his lap top (I was already on mine writing a blog post) and she got mad at him because he ALWAYS does it. In my family, we don't just come home and start having conversations with each other. We talk and tell about how our day went, but after that, we really don't speak to any body. So she got mad at him and he gave what she though was a rude answer, and she blew up even more. She told him that he was being an arsehole and he was teaching me how to be an arsehole as well. I kind of took offense to that because I was just all of a sudden dragged into this conversation that I wasn't a part of before. Then she started going off on both of us about how we don't help her enough, especially me. Now, my dad helps a ton. Right now, he's the one tying down the family. My mum doesn't do anything lately because she can't. She still goes to work and stuff but my dad has to pick her up and drop her off as well as get a wheelchair and wheel her around wherever she needs to go. I can understand why she would be a little mad at me. I am extremely lazy and I really don't like to get up to go do anything unless it's of my own free will. Hell, I barely get up to go pee. So I can understand why she would be mad at me because I really don't do much for her. Still, I have my own problems to deal with and my own work to do. I thought I was a really good kid. I don't refuse to help at all, I get really good grades, I'm into sports, clubs, and extracurricular activities. I'm like a college's dream. However, I don't help out at home a lot. I'm usually really tired and just can't be bothered to move. That still doesn't mean that I'm not a good person. I don't smoke, or drink, I haven't murdered anyone, I try to keep other people in mind when I make my decisions, I try to ask the least of m parents, and I really REALLY do try to help out around the house.
So I feel terrible. I wish I had that feeling that I did when I realized what a good kid I am. I need some more of that "I'm definitely worth-while" feeling right now. I know this is very dramatic, but it needs to be said. I have never thought of suicide. I mean, I have (every one has) but only in a curious way where I would never actually do it. My goal for my life for the past six years has been trying to keep myself away from that pi but after what my mom said, I felt my depression increase by so much. I felt that pit grow closer. I'm not at that point yet but I'm getting there and it's scaring me.
I feel like I can't do anything for my mother. I'm too caught up in myself to help her and it makes me feel like I am a terrible person even though I know I'm not.
Being gay also increases my depression. I don't hate the fact that I'm gay (I actually really embrace the gay community and like all of the friends I've made in it over the years) but it's how people treat me. I feel like everyone thinks I'm less of a human being because of how I'm treated. I'm called a fag by people who don't know me whatsoever and I'm condemned to hell for my sexuality, even though I haven't even had a relationship with a guy or anything yet.
Also, last night, after my mum had finished blowing up at me an my dad, she stormed out (as best she could by rolling on an office chair) and went to go sulk in her room. My dad went back there a while later to see if she wanted to talk (I think he was waiting for himself to calm down) but she just turned him away and he went right back out to the living room.
I'm at my own house now (I got home around 1) and I feel really emotionally drained. My dad and I just sat in silence together for about the last hour before I got up, said good bye, and left. I never went back to talk to my mom except for shout a quick good night. I was too afraid. I was too afraid that I would break down and cry and that I would get even more depressed than I am already.
I remember in my high school we had his day called unity day where all of the sophmores got together and played some team building games and poured out all of our feelings to each other. What was really memorable was when we played this one line game. I was set up like this:
We were all on one side of the line. Then they would ask us a question like "Cross the line if you've ever been homeless." It was the most heart breaking experience to watch everybody cross the line. One of the most memorable questions was "Cross the line if you feel like you've ever been a disappointment to your parents." Every one crossed on that one. All six hundred student as well as 30 staff members crossed that line. If I hadn't crossed that line back then, I definitely would've crossed it now.
I know, I'm being depressing and dramatic but I've felt like a bit of a failure to my parents for a while. I never help around their house, I never did when I was a child and still living with them, and I always take them for granted. My mum is very supportive. She's more supportive than anyone I know except for maybe my dad and one of my best friends, Sherly. She's always taking me to things, threatening to beat people up when I was bullied in school, she can't wait for me to have a boyfriend and a relationship and a family and a future. She gave me an un-influenced point of view. She let me choose my path and everything but she feels like I haven't done anything for her and I really haven't. I need to spend more time with her and love her more than I do.
Anyways, I'm really depressed now and emotionally drained again so I'm going to go sleep. Sorry this was so long I just needed to get it off m chest. I'll tell you all more about the line game later.
~R
